Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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