3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Randomize
