When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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