She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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