i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
