Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
