life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
