this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
