so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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