Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
They took my balls.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
