I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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