I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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