How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
