If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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