i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize