I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
