One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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