Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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