I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We had to coat check the pizza.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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