Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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