I wish my penis had an off switch
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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