Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
