feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
