If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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