he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
