Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
