20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
there is glitter all over my balls
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