Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
