I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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