Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It's just like the Real World with babies
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize