Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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