so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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