its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
