I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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