If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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