I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
bring money and cleavage
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i believe in u and ur pee
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
