the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Still dying that you shit outside
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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