i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
