He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
