dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
