I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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