she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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