my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
