I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
