Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
