Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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