we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize