I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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