Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
