it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
