What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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