Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
This toilet bowl is my home.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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