I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
