She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
