I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
