theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
