Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
