Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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